It’s Time for a Walmart Run
And this is what I might see while I’m there
Walmart, with its low prices and perpetually cheerful greeters, caters to everyone, from the lowest common denominator to the proudly cheap upper class. It’s a microcosm of society where you’ll find the good, the bad, and the ugly.
The ugly is sufficiently prominent that there’s a website celebrating them, PeopleOfWalmart.com. Here are, in my humble opinion, some of the best of the best — or worst of the worst; it all amounts to the same thing, really.
Vehicular creativity
Want an El Camino but can’t quite afford something that badass? There’s no reason you can’t get creative and make your own. Just a suggestion, though — matching paint would really pimp this ride.
Too cheap for a U-Haul
I can see this happening in other parts of the world. In Vietnam, someone could load all of this onto a motorbike no problem. But here, U-Haul is available, and it’s really not that expensive. And you’ve gotta know that if you leave this whole shebang in a Walmart parking lot, people are going to either steal all of your shit, or see how they can make the whole thing collapse by cutting the fewest straps.
Either way, it’s not likely to work out well.
Creative grooming
Should you trust a pharmacy staff member more or less if they’re rockin’ this ‘stache? They’re likely sleep deprived because they had to wake up at the butt crack of dawn in order to style that baby, which increases the likelihood of errors. At the same time, that collection of hair has so much product holding it together that you don’t have to worry about any errant hairs accidentally falling into your pill bottle.
My future husband
There’s something about a good mullet that sends shivers down my spine. But this kicks it up a notch. The skullet is bald in the front, party in the back. And in this particular instance, not only is there a party going on in the back, but there appears to be a tea towel, as well. I guess it’s like the Boy Scouts say, be prepared!
Most painful tattoo ever
I have a tattoo that covers the left side of my ribcage, which isn’t as bony as the back of this dude’s head. It hurt like a mofo, despite copious amounts of painkillers and Ativan.
And while I quite dislike most people, I’m not sufficiently committed to expressing that to have it stabbed into the back of my head. Come on dude, that’s what a hat is for.
The layered look
Sometimes, when there’s just too much going on with an outfit, you start to get distracted. If you start to feel ventilation going on in the butt crack region, that should be a red flag.
Edward Scissorhands meets denim
Sometimes you’ve got to wonder why people pay so much for jeans that are all ripped. Normally, though, that thought would be applied to situations where there is more jean than rip. What happens when there’s more rip than jean? Or almost no jean whatsoever? How can people possibly feel like they’re getting their money’s worth with either of these looks?
Besides which, why doesn’t it cross their minds that they look ridiculous?
A pedicure isn’t always a luxury
Going to the salon for a mani/pedi is a pleasant self-care indulgence for some people. For others, it’s a public safety situation. Imagine the damage this person could do if the person in line in front of them was spending too much time chatting with the cashier.
And you know there’s gotta be some serious antibiotic-resistant organisms colonizing those claws. And fungus. Lots of fungus.
There are no words
Sometimes, self-confidence is a good thing. And sometimes it’s not. In this photo, for example, the people rocking the shorts/socks/running shoes look are displaying a healthy level of self-confidence by embracing a bad fashion look.
Then you have the disaster in the middle of the photo. How does one even begin to count all of the transgressions against public decency norms? A thong bathing suit showing off upper butt crack cleavage is not suitable for any man, any time, anywhere. Yet here he is in Walmart, carrying a jug of unknown substance that doesn’t seem to be in keeping with the thong in any way.
I’m just glad we’re not getting a front view.
Wearing your heart on your sleeve(ish)
I’m being nice and leaving you with something other than Mr. Crime-against-huamnity. Sometimes you just want to make a statement, and the privilege that comes being older is that you don’t have to give a shit about what other people think.
And in the case of the man on the right, his message shirt serves as a public service announcement — back away from the farter!
See what I mean? it’s definitely time for a Walmart run!
