I think we’ve probably all felt the urge at one point or another to give advice. We see the situation someone is in, and can’t help but think if they only did X then things would be so much better for them. Chances are most of us have also been on the receiving end of unhelpful or unwanted advice (and quite possibly on the giving end as well). So how do we navigate this so all parties involved are getting the greatest benefit?
It seems to me that we all have different strengths of “fix it” tendencies than others. Despite being very well-meaning, sometimes offering a fix it solution can actually have the opposite of the intended effect. A friend of mine is very much a Mr. Fix-it type, and it’s been an ongoing issue that he will make a well-meaning attempt to fix the problem I’m talking about, and I’ll get upset because I feel invalidated. My own Ms. Fix-it tendencies are most likely to kick in when Nurse Ashley has something to say, and I recognize that I need to put more effort into making sure that stays in check.
It’s worth considering whether or not the person is actually asking for advice. I’ve noticed something interesting in this respect on my own blog. I typically conclude my posts with a question to try to generate dialogue. On some posts I’ve noticed that this gets interpreted as asking for advice. Don’t get me wrong, I’m good with getting advice, but it does show that what seems like a request for advice may not have originally been intended that way, whether the advice ends up being welcomed or not.
It’s also useful to consider is how much is known about the context. I find it fascinating when people who aren’t familiar with me or my blog at all will read a single post and comment with advice that doesn’t even remotely apply to me, which of course they wouldn’t realize because they don’t know me from a hole in the ground.
Another potentially tricky situation is when someone explicitly asks for advice but then doesn’t seem to be receptive to advice when it’s actually given. Was the request for advice not genuine to begin with, or is it factors on the advice-giver’s side that are unwelcome? Or some of both? That’s a particularly tough situation to navigate because it seems likely that both people involved aren’t feeling that great about the interaction.
Then you have the medical advice-givers who are way off the mark. I’m talking about the really out there advice like you should stop taking medications and go for a walk in the forest instead. Is it worth it to point out how off the mark these people are? Or is it better to just ignore it and move on? Not too long ago I had a comment on a post about my health that I considered beyond out there and venturing into the territory of bizarre, and I decided it was probably better to just not even go there. It did stick with me enough to inspire me to write this post, though, so clearly it had an effect on me.
I think it matters how we give the advice. We can tell someone what to do (“you should do X”), make a tentative suggestion (“maybe you could try X”), or offer ourselves as an example (“I tried X and it worked well”). I think the first option is the most likely to be met with psychological resistance (I talk more about this in my post on motivation interviewing).
I suppose what I’m trying to get at is that the giving and receiving of advice is often not as simple as it may seem. There are a lot of things to take into consideration to make sure we are getting the most out of the advice we both give and receive, and being mindful of those things can help to make run more smoothly.
Originally published at mentalhealthathome.org on February 19, 2019.